every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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