i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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