party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I look better un-naked...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
