OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
