Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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