Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
