I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
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Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
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I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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