doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
