guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
