She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
