you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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