the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
