I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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