I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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