he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
