i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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