So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
