i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
