Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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