Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
