This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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