He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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