I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
