highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
