I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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