i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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