What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
