Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
