Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
