I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
