Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
