onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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