I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
