Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
