It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
