someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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