I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
