the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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