I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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