My balls are so social today.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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