I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Can you bring me the toilet please
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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