My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
