I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
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Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
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If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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