Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
