FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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