Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
