I cockslap morals
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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