My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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