i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
