Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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