wanna go halves on a baby?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
