listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
