I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
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Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
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He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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