I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
