I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize