Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
